Reality, you fickle thing.

plants

“Sometimes you will never the know value of a moment until it becomes a memory.”

As I sit here at my desk, coffee in hand, I look around me. These white walls that are my office, the grey carpet under my feet, and the large iMac that I work on – this is my reality. For the next month and some, I will be in this room and be working on this project. But, after that – I may never see it again. I will go back to school and I will have a new world.

Over the last few years, I have come to a conclusion about my life: my reality changes as I change. At each step and point in our lives, our reality is different.

When I was a young girl, my reality was playdates with friends after school and waiting for my daddy to come home from work. I remember the days when friends would come home with us and we would play for hours. The time would just fly by as we jumped from couch to couch avoiding the lava that was the ground. When their parents would come to pick them up, they would see how much fun we were having and sometimes my friends would stay the night as well! We would play with our dolls for hours, eat sweets and color. The funny thing is, during that time all everyone said was that I was a “big girl” and that I was growing up so fast. I loved that. The thought of being a big girl. As the older daughter, I had more responsibilities even when I was tiny. I would hold my sister’s hand and lead her through life. Sometimes, I wish I had someone to do the same for me.

Now that I am kind of a big girl, I look back at those times and wish that I had truly relished in my childhood. I wish I had looked in the mirror and not wished to be grown up or wear high heels, because being a child is beautiful and every stage in life is precious. Every morning I wake up and remind myself to smile. With all the stress in my world and pressure to make something of my time – my life is slowly passing by and I haven’t looked up and enjoyed the life I lead.

I am blessed to have a family that loves me. We are crazy, each and every one of us, but we love each other. I am blessed to have had dogs in my life who taught me to love unconditionally and that love requires nothing in return. My father taught me to work hard and prove myself. He taught me that nothing in life comes for free and I look at my world now through humble unassuming eyes. At least I try to. My boyfriend is lovely and my best friend. I have had an incredible education and I have grown up in a place that has so much to offer. My world is safe, comfortable, and it expects so much of me.

When I am an old woman, sitting on my porch surrounded by family, I want my stories to be of special moments – not shallow accomplishments or a life spent craving the next chapter refusing to live in the current one.

My stories will be about how my dog holds my hand when I cry and licks my tears. They will be about how my mom takes care of me when I am sick and the hours I have spent on the phone late into the night with my boyfriend talking about random nonsense laughing quietly, hoping not to wake anyone. I will tell them about my beautiful home I have grown up in and about the park that was by my old house that I used to ride my bike in and play under the cherry blossom trees.

I am lucky to have these memories. My life has had both joy and pain, so far, and hopefully I will look up every now and then from my work and crazy bustle and appreciate every second of my life. Although my reality may change, it is influenced by my previous ones. Every stage makes me who I am. I looked up one day and noticed that the flowers in front of my old house were gone. The new owners didn’t like them; they made the house their own. It made me sad to think that those memories had dissipated, but they will always be in my brain – in my heart.

I have loved every second of every minute – sad and happy over the last 19 years. Although it is hard for me to remember happy moments without a tinge of sadness, I hope my future realities will be just as sweet.

Memories are all we have, and I want to live every second of my life. With hopefully, as few regrets as possible.

xoxo

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3 Comments

  1. Well said. It is hard to take in the moments sometimes, as Joni Mitchell sings ” You don’t know what you got till it’s gone.” These are exciting years ahead of you though! Take risks, keep this blog up, and take document those sweet sweet moments! Best of luck!

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